Maybe God is Jealous: A Struggle of Singleness

October 24, 2017

When I was given the opportunity to write something for this beautiful blog, I jumped at the chance. But then as I sat down to write, I realized I didn’t have much confidence to write about things I felt people would actually want to read.

You see, by all standards, I have an incredible life. I am blessed with way more than I deserve. But, at 36, I am single. And anyone who lives in the south can understand this might as well mean I have a scarlet “S” for single burned into my chest. I often get, “So why are you single?”, “Do you even want to be married?”, “You do know no prince charming is going to come along, right?” Oh, really!? Because that’s what I have been waiting on, glass slippers and all. Thank you dear people, I have lived on this planet long enough to know, that no one is perfect and that fairytales don’t exist. Or do they? More on that later.

A few years ago, my knees finally hit the floor after years of trying to control everything and absolutely nothing working out. I was living in a city where I didn’t belong, had left a job that I had prayed for and wanted so badly but ended up making me unhappy, and gotten out of yet another unhealthy relationship. At 32, nothing in my life was going in a good direction. So right then and there, I turned my life over to God (if I am completely honest, at the time it was my “last resort”). Things don’t happen overnight. I am still and will always be a very large work-in-progress. But I try fervently to become more humble and show more grace daily. Lord knows, He shows it to me.

Since that rock-bottom place, I moved to Nashville where I’ve known since the age of ten I belonged and where I once ran from. I have the most amazing church family – that I now know is a huge reason God wanted me in this city so badly – and in a little over two years have made some of the most incredible lifelong friends. But… I am still single. A typical conversation with God is, “Okay God, everything else is as it should be, I am finally ready. Where is he?” However, as any good God-fearing woman knows, it doesn’t happen in our time, but in His.

I have gone back and forth with the online dating thing. But I never quite felt God saying that He wanted me online. I had this constant nagging feeling like I was doing something wrong. [Side note: there is absolutely nothing wrong with online dating but for me and my walk, I felt God saying no.]

A few months ago, I had yet another failed dating attempt and was left feeling discouraged, sad, and angry. What more can I do Lord? What more do you want from me? Why do I have to go through this life alone? And then it hit me. Everything made sense. God was jealous.

I was watching a movie on a Sunday afternoon about a man sacrificing his daughter to God’s will and I just lost it (I had to pause the movie three times because I was crying so hard—such a good-belly-curl-Holy-Spirit cry). I finally had the metaphor I had so longed for at laying it all down at God’s feet. Fully giving Him my husband, my children, my life. Completely trusting in Him and His will and timing for my life is the only way I will ever be satisfied.

It was then that I also realized, God wants me. He wants all of me. He wants for us to have this intimate time together and me to learn His unconditional love. I had been so hurt feeling like I was somehow being punished for my massive amount of mistakes from my past (all the enemy speaking). But in reality I needed to feel honored He wants this time with me and doesn’t want to share me right now. THE almighty King of Kings, wants ME! Talk about a slap-your-momma game changer!

Trusting in Him and His Will | forthejoyministries.com

I want you to live as free of complications as possible. When you’re unmarried, you’re free to concentrate on simply pleasing the Master… The time and energy that married people spend on caring for and nurturing each other, the unmarried can spend in becoming… holy instruments of God … All I want is for you to be able to develop a way of life in which you can spend plenty of time together with the Master without a lot of distractions.” – 1 Corinthians 7:32-35 (MSG)

I am not saying I don’t still have moments and will most likely continue to have them. But I am falling more and more in love with God daily, and it is truly the most fulfilling thing I could ever imagine! I know God will send me my man. But until then, I am the lead character in the best fairytale ever imaginable.

Emily


Emily is originally from Birmingham, Alabama. Since childhood she has felt God calling her to Nashville where she now happily resides. Her biggest passions are music and Alabama football. She considers herself beautifully broken and saved by only His grace.

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